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All Hallows Even, or Halloween, isn’t comparable to any other holiday. Think about it-all other holidays are intended to venerate something sacred or significant. Fourth of July commemorates the founding of the United States of America. Memorial Day celebrates, uh, people who have died. Even St. Patrick’s Day commemorates some chap chasing all of the snakes out of Ireland. But Halloween, ah ha, now there’s a distinct one. Halloween celebrates nothing less than the one night of the year when the jaws of the underworld gape open and the forces of evil run unchecked across the planet.

This makes Halloween a holiday of sheer fun and excitement. In place of giving gifts or grand oratory, we wear costumes, watch frightening movies, and run around the neighborhood demanding that our neighbors give us candy-or else. For one evening, we put all the high-minded stuff aside and just go nuts.

So, to help you observe your 31st correctly, here are 5 things to make your Halloween perfect:

5. Make a revolting food dish – Soon enough, you will be pressured to make the ideal turkey or churn out waves of sugar cookies for your friends and kin. Before that pressure begins, prepare something sickening. It’s simple. Fruit punch is renamed ‘blood’. Spaghetti becomes brains or worms. Peeled grapes become eyeballs. You get the point.

4. Dress up – For pete’s sake, it’s the one day when you can dress like a total nutcase and not arouse any suspicions. In fact, if you don’t don a costume, you put a huge dent in your cool rating. Wearing something comical, scary, or flirtatious lets you get out of your routine, well, ‘you’ and enjoy the revelry. Do not just sit home wearing those dreary khakis and that stale shirt.

3. Scare somebody – Halloween isn’t complete until you’ve given someone a fright. And the more intricate the scare, the better. Scaring 3-year olds is easy. For full points, you’ve got to make a grown adult shriek.

2. Watch something frightening – In the old days, some ancient geezer would show up and spin the scariest tale. Since most us are now unable to have our own storytelling old geezer, scary films are the next best thing. What you choose to watch will depend on age and taste. For teens and up, I suggest Psycho, The Sixth Sense, Poltergeist, or What Lies Beneath.

1. Eat. Mass. Amounts. Of. Candy. – We are all trying to eat healthier and keep ourselves able-bodied and active until we’re 150. And I wouldn’t advocate this on any other day. It’s awful for you. But, darn it, you have one day to go bonkers on the Butterfinger bars. Take advantage of it. Then be good the rest of the year.

Hope this gets you off to a good start. Note: should you be incarcerated for following this advice, remember you act of your own volition and I cannot be held liable for any damages. Have a fun, wild, and safe Halloween, everyone!

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